Sometimes it’s difficult to understand why we behave and feel the way we do. In Robert Plutchik’s (2001) Theory of Emotions, Plutchik helps us understand emotions by making the distinction between primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the initial gut feelings we experience. Secondary emotions are a reaction to the primary emotions.
For example, our fear (a primary emotion) of being late for work can present as stress and irritability (secondary emotions). When secondary emotions arise, they are usually a mechanism of protecting us from vulnerable or painful underlying emotions. It is not being late for work that is bringing up the stress and irritability, it’s the underlying fear of judgment from colleagues, or fear of personal inadequacy for being late again. Sometimes primary emotions go unnoticed because the secondary ones are obstructing them. When we are able to address the primary emotions, clarity become more readily available!
The Problem of Secondary Emotions in Communication
When intimate partners struggle to get through to one another or get stuck in negative patterns of communication, it is often because secondary emotions are leading the interaction for one or both of them. The threat of a rupture in the connection between partners activates our natural fight or flight response (secondary emotions) leading to attack, defence or escape behaviors (Johnson, 2019). Attack and defense behaviors can manifest as complaining, criticizing, blaming, yelling, and expressed disapproval. Escape behaviors can manifest as withdrawing, zoning out, becoming preoccupied with distractions, and avoiding emotion through intentional apathy or insisting that the conflict stays calm and reasonable. These types of actions may create further distress and distance between partners and can distract from the primary feelings, which then do not get resolved.
Take Kim and Rima for Example (Not Real Client Information)
Kim has talked to her partner, Rima, about not leaving hair in the bathtub because her bath time is how she unwinds from her stressful job. Kim prefers to avoid conflict so does not bring it up when she must clean Rima’s hair from the tub before she prepares her bath. Her irritation starts to increase. She thinks about Rima’s needs all the time, but Rima doesn’t seem to care about this one simple thing she’s asked for. She starts to feel hyper aware of other ways in which Rima seems uncaring. With her emotions building, she eventually snaps at Rima about the hair in the tub. Rima does not understand where this anger is coming from. She feels unfairly criticized, tells Kim she is overreacting, and withdraws into her laptop and headphones. Kim’s fear of her partner being uncaring now seems confirmed, and Rima feels an empty sense of loss and unable to keep Kim happy.
In this scenario, Kim and Rima are misunderstanding each other. They don’t see one another’s more vulnerable feelings, so they are left reacting to one another’s fight-or-flight actions. This is what Sue Johnson (2008), calls the ‘Demon Dialogues,’ which she describes as the negative dance partners find themselves in when they are caught in the secondary reactive feelings that interfere with their ability to see and tend to the underlying feelings that are the driving cause of the relationship distress.
Finding the way through reactive patterns
To break out of reactive patterns, we first need to recognize when they are happening. You may be able to notice them in the moment and pause the interaction or you can reflect on the interaction afterward. To help understand and change these interactions, Johnson (2008) outlines the practice called “Finding the Raw Spots,” in which partners identify:
- The threat to the relationship bond that cues the secondary reaction
- The secondary surface feelings
- The deeper underlying feelings
To more fully understand and express the softer and more vulnerable side of the underlying feelings, Johnson prompts partners to find:
- What each partner longed for in the conflict
- The message about the relationship bond that each partner received
For Kim, the threat to her connection with Rima was not about the hair in the tub, it was her interpretation that Rima does not care enough. Initially she kept these hurt feeling to herself to protect the relationship bond from conflict. Eventually those hurt feelings surfaced as anger and criticism, despite the deeper feelings of pain and fear. She longs for reassurance that Rima loves her and is there for her. The message this interaction gave her about their relationship is that she cannot talk to Rima about her hurt feelings because this pushes Rima away.
For Rima, the threat to her connection with Kim was the angry criticism and feeling that her partner attacked her. Her hurt feelings surfaced as irritation, dismissiveness, and avoidance despite her underlying feelings of defeat. She longs to know that she is enough for Kim. The message she received about their relationship is that even when she thinks things are good between them, Kim finds something wrong.
In expressing these raw spots, Kim and Rima can better understand one another’s relationship needs, tend to one another’s hurt feelings, and recognize the deeper connection that they have with each other. Expressing their softer and more vulnerable feelings facilitates open, less defensive conversations, which invites opportunities for repairing and strengthening their relationship. From this perspective, partners are better able to see that they are on the same side and that they both want to feel their connection is safe and secure.
This article is based on an Emotion-Focussed Therapy framework. For more information on steps for further strengthening relationship connections, see Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight, listed in the references below.
Lorraine Schembri
Relationship Specailist
With an eclectic approach to therapy that adapts to each person, Lorraine has worked as a counsellor for health authorities in Northern BC and Nova Scotia. Her background includes individual counselling, group counselling, and crisis counselling in an emergency department setting as well as work in a university wellness centre, work with developmental disabilities and familial support. She loves working with couples as she believes relationships are such a fundamental part of happiness and functioning throughout our lives and works out of our Abbotsford office as a relationship specialist.
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References:
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, Little, Brown & Co.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice. Guilford Press.
Plutchik, R. (2001). The nature of emotions: Human emotions have deep evolutionary roots, a fact that may explain their complexity and provide tools for clinical practice. American Scientist, 89, 344-350.
