It’s both normal and common to wonder whether your relationship is healthy. This question may have spurred from a variety of sources — perhaps something we saw online, something a friend or family member said to us, or a gut feeling we are sensing within our relationship or ourselves. Whatever our reasoning may be, the answer may not be as simple as we would like.
Some red flags that indicate the relationship is unhealthy or unsafe include verbal abuse, physical abuse, and controlling behaviours. If you are experiencing any physical or emotional danger, it is important to get safe and to get help for all parties. There are more resources on how to take action below.
But when the red flags are not as prevalent, deciding whether your relationship is healthy requires more nuanced consideration. A good place to start is by considering your relationship dynamic. A relationship dynamic is created between the people in the relationship, and accounts for individual circumstances, individual and collective relationship values, communication styles, and how these factors come together in relation to one another. As there are many factors that make up a relationship dynamic, its health exists on a spectrum rather being a black-or-white issue and varies based on each relationship.
By assessing each of the important components that go into creating a relationship dynamic, we can assess its health. We can start by identifying whether certain components are working in your relationship or if they may need some growth. To do this, here are some questions to guide you in understanding where you may fall on this spectrum of health and to invite you to consider what you want to do about it. Not only do these questions act as a litmus test, but they can also open a dialogue between you and your partner(s) about what might be working well and where areas of growth could occur.
- My own experience of my relationship: How do I feel in this relationship? Do I feel cared for? Am I happy? Is there mutual respect?
- Communication: How do my partner(s) and I discuss our problems? Do we tackle them together? Am I being heard out? Are my feelings being validated? Are we being honest and open with each other? With healthy communication, something to watch out for is what is called “The Four Horseman” according to the Gottman Institute for Couples Therapy. These are ways of communicating with our partner(s) that indicate unhealthy communication and impact our ability to communicate with our partner. The four horsemen are: defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling.
- Working together: How do we work through issues that may come up? Do we feel like they are tackled together as a team?
- Relationship Values: Do our relationship values align? Do we both value similar things? This can include things like family planning, finances, growth, equity, how you spend time, time apart vs together, hobbies etc.
- Interdependence: Do I enjoy our time apart as much as I do together? Another aspect of health is not losing yourself in another. It’s important to feel like you can be yourself outside of your relationship too. Perhaps you have friendships you cultivate, and hobbies you love, and you feel like you are you without this person too.
- Intimacy: Do we prioritize connection? Whether that is emotional, intellectual, or physical. Do we set aside time for one another to connect? This can look like shared experiences, hobbies, setting time aside for conversations, or check-ins, and setting time aside for physical connection.
- Individual components: Is there anything in my past that may be shaping my understanding of what I consider “healthy?” For example, past relational trauma, past negative experiences in relationships, family of origin, examples of relationships, personal attachment style and relationship triggers. This can impact how we view ourselves in relationships, how we view our partner(s) and how we show up in our relationships.
- Personal stressors: Are there any external stressors outside our relationship(s) that make it hard to show up? Perhaps external stress at work, with health, mental health, sources of oppression, or family may be impacting how you are showing up in your relationship. Personal stress can often impact personal coping strategies, which then can impact certain key factors in our relationship dynamic.
Your answers to these questions may give insight into where you exist on the spectrum of relationship health. However, they also invite reflection and change. They are invitations to look inward to see what, if anything, we want to do with this information, and the next steps to take.
Whether your relationship is new, long-term, LBGTQ, monogamous, open or anything else, you can feel safe to connect with us today for your free 20-minute counsellor match consultation to a meet a team member this week. Click here to get connected today.
My hope is that I can be that grounding space for my clients in order to give them courage to explore their inner experiences. I believe it is essential that you feel safe and understood in our work, and I hope that we can work toward building a sense of trust and safety together. I have experience working with adults from various backgrounds and cultures and have worked for a local health authority in addictions where I’ve built a lot of my understanding of fundamental principles of relationships and how to heal from trauma, betrayal, and how to build re-connection. I have worked with grief, anxiety, and childhood trauma in relationships and love helping people find deeper meaning and connection with their loved ones.
To book with Kalie, click here.
Sources:
Lisitsa, E. (2024, January 23). The gottman four horsemen. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Between You and Me. (2017, September). Is Stress Killing Your Relationship? Why You’re Not Alone. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/between-you-and-me/201709/is-stress-killing-your-relationship-why-youre-not-alone
Mindful Dating. (2022, March). 14 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/mindful-dating/202203/14-signs-unhealthy-relationship
Red Flags – Additional Info:
Need Help? – Ending Violence BC
Find family violence resources and services in your area – Canada.ca
Power and Control Wheel | The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)
