How Do I Create Emotional Intimacy With My Partner?

Emotional intimacy is a core human need and a key reason for seeking relationships. We want to experience both giving and receiving love, sharing our personal thoughts, and all that comes with building deep connections. So, why do so many of us feel frustrated and overwhelmed trying to navigate exactly how to build emotional intimacy with our partner? 

Emotional intimacy is a skill that can be developed over time.

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is a deep sense of closeness and connection with someone.

With it comes: 

• A feeling of being deeply understood
• An ease of revealing vulnerabilities
• A sense of empathy towards others
• A strong level of trust
• Effective communication skills

What Are Signs of Emotional Intimacy?

Although emotional intimacy may look different depending on the unique nature of every relationship, here are a few characteristics indicative of emotionally intimate relationships: 

1. Playfulness and shared humour
2. A deep, meaningful connection
3. Physical affection and emotional warmth
4. A tendency to turn towards one another when facing challenges
5. A sense of safety and trust in one another
6. A pattern of communicating and sharing your inner world with your partner 

Almost every interaction that you have with your partner is an opportunity to create emotional intimacy. If you’re feeling overwhelmed on where to begin, you can start with intentionality with the time you spend together.  

So, how do you build emotional intimacy? Here are some ideas!

Tip 1: Establish a Bond

Trying to build a connection with your partner begins with consistent action:

• Approaching your partner with genuine care
• Being present in the moment and listening with compassion
• Respecting your partner’s opinions even if they differ from your own
• Actively checking in with your partner about what’s going on in their life and how they feel
• Choosing to reveal more about yourself through meaningful discussions and actively listening to your partner   

Your relationship is a ‘living being’ that needs ongoing effort through nurturance and attention to help your partner feel loved.

Tip 2: Express Gratitude

Relationship expert John Gottman suggests that the “masters” in relationships have a habit of seeking things to appreciate in their social environment, fostering a culture of respect and appreciation. On the other hand, the “disasters” tend to focus on their partners’ mistakes. Once you have developed your ability to recognize actions worthy of gratitude, consider implementing these additional suggestions to enhance appreciation for your partner. 

• What is the effect of their actions on your wellbeing?
• Express the specific qualities or values that you admire about them as an individual

Tip 3: Savour Your Past Memories

Reflecting on cherished memories will enhance the shared meaning in your lives. Expressing gratitude for your incredible shared experiences nurtures positive emotions and fosters a deeper emotional connection.

Tip 4: Establish Rituals for Connection

By prioritizing small and meaningful gestures, you can transform your daily routines into moments of magic that lay the foundation for connection in your relationship. For example, watching your favorite show together after work, scheduling regular relationship check-ins, or sharing a lingering kiss before leaving for work. These intentional moments can foster a sense of being cherished and valued by both partners.  

Not everyone expresses or receives love in the same way, therefore getting clear on how you and your partner express love for one another allows for a deeper sense of satisfaction and closeness within the relationship. The five main love languages are:  

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts

Tip 5: Improve Skills for Resolving Conflict

Learning effective communication and conflict resolution techniques allows disagreements to transform into opportunities that strengthen your bond rather than having them create distance in your relationship. Practice active listening and let your guard down so that you can express why you might feel hurt.

Tip 6: Disengage Your Auto-Pilot  

A fulfilling relationship rooted in emotional connection relies on each partner cultivating a fulfilling life independently. If your relationship is the only aspect of your life that is bringing you peace and joy, you may be unintentionally burdening your partner with the sole responsibility of providing your life with its meaning in its entirety. Having your own hobbies, passions and friendships takes pressure off of your partner(s) so that when you’re spending time together, you’re not just in inseparable perpetual autopilot, you’re actually focused, attentive and loving! Begin by identifying areas where you can deepen your connection with life.

Tip 7: Embrace Vulnerability  

It’s important not only to express your positive feelings and dreams to your partner but also to reveal your fears or parts of yourself that you may perceive as unworthy or unlovable. While it may be challenging to expose yourself in such a raw manner, deliberately choosing to share your authentic self with your partner fosters deeper emotional intimacy. Embracing vulnerability is both a mindset and proactive step toward openness and honesty.

Tip 8: Ask Insightful Questions

Asking your partner questions beyond surface-level habitual conversation enhances emotional intimacy. Here are some deeper questions: 

• What challenges have you been facing recently?
• How can I best support you in this moment?
• What’s the next item on your bucket list that you would like us to experience together?
• If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to your younger self?
• Is there a particular aspect of yourself that you wish to receive appreciation for?
• What has been one of the most significant lessons that you’ve learned from relationships?

Tip 9: Stop Trying to “Fix”

When your partner shares something with you they are embracing vulnerability. Instead of immediately trying to solve the issue, focus on listening to truly comprehend what they are expressing. Attempting to “fix” often leads to defensiveness causing your partner to shut down and feel isolated. Instead, show curiosity and genuine interest by asking thoughtful questions and validating their emotions. Trust that your partner possesses the skills and resources to navigate the challenges on their own and should they need a solution, they will reach out to you for assistance. Your role in the conversation is to empathize and to understand their perspective, rather than to rush to their rescue. By actively listening, you allow yourself to embrace vulnerability and to cultivate empathy for your partner. You might also consider asking them “are you looking for advice or support” if it’s unclear to you.

Tip 10: Allow Yourself to Experience ‘Uncomfortable’ Emotions

Avoiding or suppressing negative emotions may contribute to mental health challenges as well as a decline in emotional intimacy. Embracing difficult feelings allows you to acknowledge your own emotions and to support your partner through their emotions. How do you do this?  

Begin by learning how to feel and to manage your emotions: 

• Scan your body and notice the physical sensations that accompany each emotion within your body
• Identify the emotion that you are experiencing
• Recognize any tendencies to avoid or numb your feelings
• Explore what your feelings are trying to tell you and notice any internal judgements that arise as you experience emotions
• Learn to use self-soothing techniques to manage intense emotions
• Practice accepting your current emotional state rather than suppressing it

No matter where you are in life, whether recently single, looking for a partner, exploring multiple partners, or seeking a long-term committed relationship, therapy offers an inclusive and safe space for you to explore. If you are feeling isolated or are longing for more emotional intimacy in your life, connect with us today for a free 20-minute Counsellor-Match Consultation to find a counsellor that best fits your needs.